Everyday is Halloween.

Happy Halloween my lovelies.  While you're out there turning tricks make sure you put aside some time for a treat or two.  My new favorite for Hallows Eve is the 2007 film Trick 'r Treat.  Cute and creepy just the way I like them.  xoxo

Pig Farmer.

I tried to grow a garden once.  I just don't seem to be able to keep things alive.  My Venus fly traps hated me so much they ate themselves.  Now what am I going to do with all these tse tse flies I ordered for them?  Perhaps I'll bring them over to my neighbor.  She's always complaining that her house is being infested by spiders (she gives me filthy looks and says they're probably coming from my castle but I highly doubt my spiders would want to live in a cream colored house).  Perhaps if I release the flies in her house the spider will be happily fed and much less of a nuisance.  Anyhow, Mistress Violet Strychnine here with another pig trough full of spoiled innards.  I am the furthest thing you will ever find from a farm girl.  I hate farms.  I know what these creepy farmers really do all secluded with their pigs.  Animal rape, corn demon worship, and cannibalism.  Every farmer does at least one of those things if not all of them.  Here's proof:  The 1980 barnyard film Motel Hell.  It turns out that in his spare time, farmer Vincent makes jerky and sausages out of traveling rock bands.  He also likes to run around his farm with a chainsaw while wearing a decapitated pigs head.  It takes all kinds of critters... to make Farmer Vincents fritters.  Three days left of Halloween my little oozing sores.  xoxo

Deadly Balls.

What would you do if you were being chased around by a set of balls with power drills and razor knives?  I don't know about you but I'd be pretty upset.  How about being chased around a cemetery by a very tall creepy alien mortician man and his little Jawa looking murderous trolls.  Oh, and by the way, he bleeds green blood and needs your freshly killed body to make more of his creepy little Jawas.  Yes my friends, Mistress Violet Strychnine here to projectile vomit another greasy, chunky, corn filled stream of awfulness right in your eye.  I'm taking about the 1988 Don Coscarelli classic Phantasm II.  This ones got everything you could want in a Phantasm film.  The Tall Man, creepy little munchkins with skin problems, lots of deadly balls, girls with back growths, an awesome hotrod, and more dead people than you could shake a stick at.  Is it all a bad dream?  Is it Booooooooooyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!  xoxo

Season of the... Where the Hell is Michael Myers?!

I Just love Halloween.  All the ghouls and ghosts haunting about.  Teeth rotting from candy overdose.  Little kids dressed up as their favorite monsters such as Frankenstein,  Dracula, or that awful hell hound from Blues Clues.  Adults dress up as giant hot dogs or whores.  The toilet paper and eggs fly freely and someone on every block is being rushed to the hospital from a keg stand accident.  Seriously though, the veil is thin and spirits walk freely looking for a host to possess.  Perhaps this year it will be you.  Mistress Violet Strychnine here with another pillow case filled with toothbrushes and fruit.  I'll just get right to it.  Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982), although a great film, makes no fucking sense being a part of the Halloween franchise (I hate that word).  No Michael Myers.  No Dr. Lumis.  No, instead we get a creepy mask manufacturer who makes poison masks that will kill millions of children on Halloween.  So strange but still so good.  Once you hear the song you'll never get it out of your head.  Only 5 more days of Halloween... Halloween... Halloween... Silver Shamrock! xoxo

She's As Cold As Ice!

My neighbor had a zombie boyfriend.  He was a bit annoying with his constant yelling for more "braaaaaiiinnnsss!"  Poor little fella all chained up like a rabid gerbil or something.  Oh, and don't even get me started about the smell.  I mean, sure I keep dead things in my house too but I at least plug in a Glade plug-in or spray a bottle or two of Febreeze around the house once in a while.  An anonymous caller (wink wink) called animal control and one bullet to the brain later... Hello there, Mistress Violet Strychnine here with another flesh peeling gut rot of love.  Tonight's film is the 1993 necro-skeeze film Return of the Living Dead III.  A young slimeball kid accidentally kills his rocker girlfriend in a motorcycle accident but lucky for him he somehow has top level clearance at the super secret zombie making lab his military father works at (how convenient).  Next thing you know his little friend is driving glass through her lips and nails through her nipples (did I not say that she was rock n' roll).  Oh, and she also wants some brrrraaaaaiiiiinnnnnsssss!!!!!  The moral of the story, what's dead should stay dead.  Unless of course you have access to a basement, lots of thick chains, and a nice brain supply.  Return of the Living Dead creator Dan O'Bannon took a siesta instead of directing this one and in his place is the amazing Brian Yuzna (Necronomicon,  Beyond Re-Animator, The Dentist).  Only 6 days left of Halloween my pretty pus bags.  xoxo

Waiter, There's a Monster Under My Bed.

Dreams are the windows to your soul.  That's a fact.  I keep having this reoccurring dream where I'm sitting in a hot tub filled with blood and I keep hearing this strange guttural sound coming from the nearby woods.  I get out of the hot tub and wrap a towel around my wet, naked body.  Only the towel isn't actually a towel, it's a wolf pelt.  I suddenly transform into a white wolf and run off into the woods.  Then I wake up.  Every time I wake up from this dream my feet are always covered in dirt and I have a lamb carcass at the end of my bed.  And heres the kicker, actually I didn't wake up.  No, I'm still dreaming and right as I lift the sheets off my legs a rotting green hand reaches out from under my bed and drags me under.  Anyways, I have another fact for you.  The Boogeyman does in fact live under your bed.  When you sleep it sucks out part of your soul and licks between your toes.  Mistress Violet Strychnine here with another night of nightmare fueled nausea.  Tonight's film is the 1980 Ulli Lommel "directed" The Boogeyman.  Kid kills adult.  Kid becomes adult.  Mirror breaks and kid turned adult becomes possessed by adult who was murdered by kid.  Keep those scissors away from your throat lady!  Watch out for that pitchfork mister!  Don't eat that turkey ma'am!  Only 7 more days.  I feel like I'm about to give birth to a Halloween demon spawn or something.  Wouldn't that be exciting. xoxo

At Midnight I'll Have a Snack!

Sometimes at midnight I can hear the leftover pizza in my refrigerator whisper my name.  I swear, I hate being taunted by tasty snacks.  Oh, speaking of snacks, do you remember FrankenStuffs?  They were hot dogs that were filled with various other things such as cheese or chili or perhaps even both.  I suppose the name didn't exactly make people salivate with hot dogs already being a mishmash of various mysterious meat parts and all.  I myself loved them.  A) Anything vaguely related to Frankenstein is cool and B)  I am a hotdog connoisseur.  Anyhow, enough about forced meats, Mistress Violet Strychnine here with another mechanically separated puddle of pink bile.  Ever wonder what a horror film made in Brazil would be like?  How scary can a unibrow be?  Will the Devil steal my soul at midnight?  All of your questions will be answered when you watch the 1964 Coffin Joe latino classic At Midnight I'll Take Your Soul!  It's the first in a trilogy of the wide eyed Coffin Joe, a top hat and cloak wearing, unibrowed soul stealing gravedigger films.  All he wants is a lady friend to make babies with.  The poor sap just doesn't realize that the ladies must be alive to have his little gravedigger babies.  Some people never learn.  Only 8 days of Halloween left my little gore whores.  Tonight at midnight, I'm going to take your left pinky toe!  Hahaha!  xoxo  

A Three Hour Tour...

I would love to live on a deserted island.  Just me and my closest creeps.  Mittens, my pet crocodile would patrol the shores and chase away unwanted strangers.  I would have a giant decrepit castle teetering on a cliff full of bats and snacks and spooky paintings .  My dungeon would be fully stocked and I would have a loyal band of wolf riding gypsies to gather supplies for me.  Mistress Violet Strychnine here to gut you mercifully.  It's all fun and games until you realize that the reason your amazing new deserted island is deserted is because there happens to be a homicidal cannibal running around killing and eating everyone in sight.  You get what you pay for I suppose.  Watch the 1980 film
Antropophagus and you'll see what I mean.  Directed by the Italian master of sleezegore Joe D'amato.  The great thing about Italian horror is the fact that most of the time, shit just does not have to make a ounce of sense.  They've been making films full of tits and ass and gore way before any of you learned how to say uh oh Spaghetti-Os.  Only 9 more days my little maggot pricks.  Ciao! xoxo    

Drive Big Trucks, Make Big Bucks!

Why is it that whenever I see an ice cream truck go by I think they have dead bodies hiding in there.  The music they play makes me so depressed and sad and happy all at the same time.  Anyhow, speaking of trucks one time I was being driven to take a lady companion of mine home when a large semi-truck was driving insanely close to our car.  I casually told the driver of the truck to fuck off with a finger gesture and the driver followed us (honking and swerving the whole way) all the way to my lady friend's home.  The driver then got out of his truck with a baseball bat and threatened to bash my head in.  Lucky for me, my lady friend's father happened to be a Georgia State trooper and had the man arrested.  The moral of the story is that you're going to piss off a truck driver you best be prepared to fight to the death because those crazy, lonely. diesel huffing meth addicts are ticking fucking timebombs.  Mistress Violet Strychnine here with another full throttled face full of throttling.  What happens when you let the master of horror Stephen King direct his own work?  The 1986 truck stop masterpiece Maximum Overdrive that's what.  Take one part Emilio Estevez, two parts AC/DC, and three parts machines gone wild (especially trucks) and guess what you got?  A bunch of dead people in a Gas and Sip that's what.  Only 10 days left of Halloween my lucky little parasites.  Ask yourself this the next time you're on the open road: Are you driving your car or is your car driving you?  No really, ask yourself.  I'm curious.

She Sells Sea Shells.

I just love playing the game sharks and minnows at the neighborhood pool.  I like to bring my pet tiger shark for a nice swim and the children seem to have so much fun trying to escape.  Screams of joy.  The mothers of these little brats give me the filthiest looks and I must say it is just so very flattering.  "You evil whore" they say.  I mean, I get the whore compliment all the time but evil, that's just icing on the mourning cake.  When I was a little girl people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grow up.  "A mermaid", I would say.  They said I could do no such thing.  I sure would show them.  I spent hours a day in my bathtub growing scales and practicing holding my breath.  It's true what they say kiddies, you can do anything you set your mind too.  If luring sailors to their watery graves is one of those dreams all you need is a little know how and elbow grease.  Anyhow, Mistress Violet Strychnine here with another last gasp of rancid air.  Tonight's film is the 1991 straight to video wonder-film She Creature: The Mermaid Chronicles Vol. 1.  It is in fact the only one in the series so I don't really understand the title.  I guess it's sort of like a cliffhanger.  Circus sideshow entrepreneurs find a actual live mermaid and want to use her for their show.  The bad news is that she ain't the kind to be kept.  Let's just say that this ocean voyage isn't going to be full of jaunty songs and rum.  Only 11 days left my hedonistic headcases.  Toodles. xoxo  

Sorry, All of Our Operators are Dead.

That's right ladies and germs.  Do you want to be taunted and berated in the privacy of your own home?  Well now all you have to do it is dial 976-SCUM.  That's right, one of our highly skilled operators will assist you in making you feel terrible about yourself.  Only $71.99 a minute.  Mistress Violet Strychnine here with another prick of pointy petulance.  I remember a ways back when Freddy Krueger had his own 976 number.  Hell, in the 80s almost everybody had a 976 number.  "Hmmm, I wonder what Freddy Krueger is up to today.  Let's give him a call!"  I found out the hard way (calling like 30 times) that it was indeed only a recording, not an actual live conversation with Freddy. I suppose he was just too busy making the 1988 film 976-EVIL starring one of my favorite nerds ever Stephen Geoffreys (Evil from Fright Night).  Don't you just love films when the nerds get their revenge?  Well, this poor mommas boy get possessed through a 976 "horrorscope" number and goes on a killing rampage.  How's that for revenge?  Oh, and his face gets all squishy and squirty.  12 days of Halloween left my gooey little gremlins.  Remember, when you sell your soul to Satan make sure you get some makeup and a scarf.  A mushy scabby face is not pretty.

If I Only Had Some Brainsssss.....

Crows are the Devil's messengers or so the old story goes.  I love crows, and so far I have not received any of the Devil's messages.  I'm kind of glad too, I just don't have the time to be running errands for anybody else.  Scarecrows on the other hand.  They seem to creep people out more than they do the crows.  Always, slinking off their crosses and hacking people up with their giant scythes.  Mistress Violet Strychnine here with another fist full of fatal fury.  Tonight's film just happens to be all about a giant scythe wielding scarecrow who creeps up on a bunch of paramilitary bank robbers who happen to hiding in a cornfield.  It's the 1988 film Scarecrows.  What's so scary about a killer who is stuffed with hay and wears a potato sack?  Just light the damn thing on fire.  But not so fast!  Just think, what if you left your lighter at home?  Hmmm.  Now you have no defenses and you are fucked my spooky little friend.  The scarecrow is gonna get you and eat your entrails.  All because you don't smoke anymore.  Think about that?  So you have a choice, start smoking again or get mauled by a scarecrow.  The choice is yours.  Only 12 days left my wretched dirts specks.  Until tomorrow. xoxo

It's a Demon Gated Community.

My rec room downstairs is really starting to come together.  Last week I had a demon portal installed right next to the tiki bar.  It's pretty sweet and it really livens up a soiree like nobody's business.  Just the other night I threw this lycanthrope themed cocktail party and while The Wolf Girl was downing her 4th Mai Tai crying about "accidentally" eating her last boyfriend a hellspawn popped through and ripped off one of my guests' faces.  We all had such a laugh (except for Bob who got his face ripped off).  Who needs Twister when you have a demon gate?  Anyhow, Mistress Violet Strychnine here with another juicebox filled with juicy hate not from concentrate.  Parli Italiano?  No?  Well lucky for you this next film is filmed in the language of gore.  We're talkin' the 1981 Lucio Fulci film House by the Cemetery. Got a murdering demon living in your basement.  I say turn those lemons into lemonade!  Ummm, where was I?  Oh, yeah, this film has face stabbings, flesh ripping, fireplace poker poking, creepy little ghosty girls, and lots and lots of maggots.  Make sure you're eating runny eggs and curdled milk with a terrible hangover when watching this film.  It's sure to please.  Only 13 days of Halloween left.  Make sure your basement door (or hallway closet for you apartment dwellers) is locked before the demons get you! xoxo

Night of the Living Alive!

Mistress Violet Strychnine is cranky and tired.  So sue me, I can't spew out comedy gold every night you mongoloids.  That's right, tonight I'm phoning it in.  What, I don't get paid to entertain you.  You're not the one paying my hearse payments.  You don't pay the rent on my crypt.  If you know what's good for you you'll watch the 1984 teen zombie flick Night of the Comet and shut the hell up.  It's a lot like  like I Am Legend, Omega Man, and Last Man on Earth (which are all based on the same Richard Matheson story although probably not so much with this one) but with "teenage" girls and a bitchin' 80s keytar soundtrack.  14 more days.  No really, I do love you all. Now fuck off.  xoxo

October Fools!

I hate the month of April.  Spring is such a dreadful time of year.  My beloved Winter is gone and now I have to get ready to put my kitten fur coat away.  All of the corpses in my basement begin to thaw and stink up the joint.  Not to mention that I just refuse to wear anything pastel.  I think I would literally die.  The only good thing about April is the 1st of the month.  I love a good practical joke.  Like the time I put live scorpions in my best friend's pillow case.  Oh, and the time I put hydrochloric acid in the same friend's shampoo.  She doesn't speak to me anymore for some reason.  Oh well.  Haha, fun!  Mistress Violet Strychnine here to projectile vomit a messy spew of muck in your mouth.  Tonight's film is the 1986 frightfest April Fools.  Things are not what they seem.  Pranks and gags turn sour as a group of young adults meet at a remote island for a going away bash (I always throw my parties on remote islands to keep the escaping at a minimum).  Heads get smashed by boats, girls fall down wells, and perhaps even some creepy twin action.  But what's the gag?  Watch and see you impatient freak!  Only 16 days left of Halloween my little spooky scumbags.  xoxo

Train to Nowhere.

Ever since they installed all those awful airport x-rays I no longer fly.  They're just so invasive.  Honey, if you want to see all up inside me you gotta pay first.  Besides, I'm not paying extra just to bring my pet crocodile Mittens along.  Bunch of money grubbers.  Anyways, Mistress Violet Strychnine here with another spinal injection of filth.  Nowadays, I only travel by train.  I love the ones with the vinyl seats that shake when you put a quarter in the slot.  Yeah you know, and ones that serve steak tartare and rattlesnake for lunch.  Afternoon wolfsbane tea and finger sandwiches (so long as they remove the finger nails).  Travel should be interesting and sometimes slightly dangerous.  I like a train to have a nice brooding, mysterious feel to it.  Not unlike the train in the 1980 film Terror Train starring scream queen Jamie Lee Curtis.  What do you get when you put a bunch of dumbshit fratboy college students and a killer on the same train?  Justice?  Hilarity?  A great slasher film is what.  Oh, and Jamie shows that she's still got the screams that pays the bills.  Only 17 days left my vicious little vipers.  Mwah. xoxo      

Insane in the Brain!

He's a maniac, a maniac on the floor.  And he's dancing like he's never danced before.  Oh, and by dancing I meant slashing up people at night. Yikes, talk about a downer.  This maniac guy, he sure is wound up a few twists too tight if you catch my drift.  I blame the parents.  Ya know, I was lucky enough to have a nice large cage to sleep in and plenty of raw hot dogs to eat as a child (to be fair, I really liked to bite people while they slept so the cage protected everybody).  And I turned out perfectly fine!  Good upbringing that's why.  Mistress Violet Strychnine here with another juicy spurting of horror right in your face.  Tonight's film is the 1980 classic that pushed horror into XXX territory, Maniac.  The great Joe Spinell plays a seriously screwy killer loose on the streets of New York City (back in the days before it looked like Disneyland).  The poor little maniac misses his dead mother who used to beat the hell out of him so he finds pretty ladies and takes off their faces to see if he can create a serviceable mommy replacement.  Oh, and watch for the amazing Tom Savani's head getting blown off with a shotgun. So pretty much, as you can tell it's definitely a film the whole family can enjoy.  Sweet dreams kiddies.  18 days left you jerks.  xoxo  

Tag, You're Sick.

Attn: Mistress Violet Strychnine has the plague. An uncontrollable virus from outer space that will destroy you all. To prepare yourselves for what to do in case you come in contact with her you must watch David Cronenberg's 1975 Canadian masterpiece Shivers.  Viewing this film is imperative for your survival.  You have 19 days to evacuate.

The Terror in Your Television.

Don't sit so close to the television set my dear.  Your eyes will set fire and melt out of your face.  It's a scientific fact.  Remember when renting a horror film meant going down to your local creepy video store where the scary serial killer looking guy behind the counter would point you towards the horror isle and you would go and stand there for an hour just looking at all the cool VHS boxes and picking a few based solely on how much blood or breasts was on the front cover.  Those were the days.  You'd be like "Wow, Rawhead Rex looks awesome!  Or, Video Dead!  Yes that must be a serious winner!"  Only to get it home and watch it and even though it ended up being one of the most boring dumb movies you ever watched for some weird reason you still loved it.  I guess, in a way it represented freedom.  I could watch what I want, when I want in my own crypt.  I still remember the cover to Rawhead Rex and the film is really terrible!  Mistress Violet Strychnine here with another mental meltdown streaming live via satellite.  Speaking of films that were bad yet somehow I've managed to watch it more than twenty times (and find it totally enjoyable every time), I give you the 1986 slime fest TerrorVision.  A couple of swingers install a brand spanking new satellite dish and unbekownst to them a man eating alien with one giant eyeball rides down the TV signal and eats up the family.  It sure is a good thing that Grandpa keeps an arsenal in his bomb shelter/ bedroom.  It's up to little kid Sherman, his totally punk sister and her boy toy O.D. (played by schlock veteran Jon Gries), and a well armed Gramps.  Oh, and the local horror host Medusa takes a swing at the slimy skin sack as well.  Only 20 days of Halloween left my pretty putrid ponies.  Beware, perhaps your TV is watching you. xoxo

What's in the Basket?!

I used to have a twin sister.  Yes, it's true.  We were conjoined twins.  Actually, she was more like a parasitic lump on my back.  She only had one eye, a tooth and a finger.  I got so tired of her always scratching at me with her little tooth or finger.  She was such jerk.  I had the doctors remove her and ship her off to the Mütter Museum of Medical Oddities where she can be probed and gawked at, you know, for science.  Anywho, Mistress Violet Strychnine here serving up another slice of pain pie.  Tonight I give you the 1982 Frank Henenlotter gorefest Basket Case.  If you're going to name one of your twins Belial, after one of the crown princes of Hell, you really have no right to get upset when they go on bloody murdering sprees.  It's not his fault.  He's just a little possessive of his brother, wants a steady hot dog supply, and a nice cozy blanket for his basket he lives in.  Is that too much to ask for?  I don't think so.  So when people come snooping around the blood rage kicks in.  He sure does get around for a little flesh lump with arms.  He must work out.  Anyways, only 21 days left my lovely meat sticks.  Oh, and be sure to check your body's nooks and crannies for extra bits of hair or teeth.  You just never know, perhaps you have a twin and you didn't know it. xoxo

Blood in the Sand.

Excuse me, could you spare a pint of blood?  I like to drink a nice tall goblet of warm virgin blood before bed and my victim... err umm I thought I had more in the fridge.  Silly me for not keeping an eye on my... supply.  Mistress Violet Strychnine  here with another vicious blow to your eye sockets.  My older brute of a brother and I used to play cowboys and vampires when we were children.  After all, we didn't have the kind of technology kids have nowadays (mindless little zombies).  We didn't have video games, television, radio, or electric lights.  We had to make our own fun so he would pull out his favorite six-shooter and load it with wooden bullets and I would try to mutilate the cattle without him catching me.  It was good clean fun.  Anyways tonight's film is the 1987 Western spiced vampire flick Near Dark.  It's masterfully directed by the amazing Kathryn Bigelow of Point Blank and Blue Steel fame.  Watch things get all fouled up when young lady vamp falls for whiney cowboy hunk.  Horror veterens Lance Hendriksen and Bill Paxton completely steal the show as part of a dirty, grizzled band of traveling vamps looking for a tasty meat snack. After the famous bar scene you'll never look at cowboy boot spurs the same again.  I myself like my blood to be freshly squeezed for me.  Getting all dirty just isn't my style.  Besides, I don't want to crack one of my talons.  22 days my little cretins.  Beware.  Take Care.  xoxo

Clean up in aisle 666.

Hello bargain shoppers.  There is a sale down at Mistress Violet Strychnine's House of Fresh Meat.  Don't forget your buy one get one dead coupons.  I just love the mall don't you?  I could spend the whole day listening to screaming babies, getting shoved by pushy coupon cutters, and drinking gallons of orange sludge from the food court.  It's peculiar, every time I go to the mall people always seem to stare for a minute and then run away.  I mean, I only carry my machete around in case I want to cut off that itchy tag of my brand new baby seal arm warmers.  Oh well, more bargains for me!  Anywho, what do you get when you put deadly robots in charge of mall security?  Watch the 1986 film Chopping Mall and you may just find out.  I suppose the best way to deal with trespassers and shoplifters is death by flamethrower or razor sharp circular saw arms.  I mean, sure they could've gone a more "traditional" route and hired a rent a cop but that my little trolls just wouldn't be nearly as exciting of a movie.  I can just see it now, kids throw a party in the closed mall, security guard catches them and calls their parents.  The end.  That would be a really bad movie in my opinion.  Watch the blood fly and the heads explode.  Only 23 days left .  Until tomorrow my crusty little monkeys. xoxo   

Any Witchboard But Loose.

Hmmm. My Ouija board seems to be broken. Every time I ask it if I'm ever going to be rich and famous it goes straight to NO. Perhaps I need to buy a witchboard that isn't so rude. Mistress Violet Strychnine here and speaking of witches and boards here's a creepy romp about the lovely Tawny Kitaen getting possessed by her Ouija board.  It's a little 1986 film called (believe it or not) Witchboard.  SPOILER ALERT:  Turns out that the creepy little ghosty kid you've been talking to in the witchboard may just be an axe murdering Amish looking guy who wants to take over your soul and make you wear a funny hat. Ohh, and he also makes you want to axe people up to bits.  Will Tawny wear a funny hair and axe people up?  That's for you to watch and see.  24 days left of Halloween my rabid pets.  Don't forget, every time you play with a Ouija board you let a demon lose and make a kitten die.  That's just the price of knowing the future. Sad but true.  xoxo